Joke of the Day

I'm front loading several updates to clear me for a while.

*****

So a guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him: "I've got really bad news. You have AIDS and Alzheimer's disease."

The guy says, "Well at least I don't have AIDS."

PSA

Working out hurts. That is all.

I'm as confused as you are

Twice in the same week, I know. The mind boggles.

Several times now I've wanted to share with my millions of reader a band for which I feel quite a bit of affection. Every time I try to write something I can never bring myself to post it because of some dumb reason I manufacture. I've decided it's because the quality of the band and the music is of such pedigree that I feel the need to write something on par with excellence; a task for which I generally consider myself unqualified. So I'm not even going to try:

This is the band. They're called the Drive By Truckers. I went to high school with/played in a garage band with one of the guitarists. They have a new album. It is very good. Finally, there is this song, which is the first song since "Sky Blue and Black" to bring me to tears.

Handle with Care, Vol. II

I have just enough time to pass on lethal doses of cute. These things just seek me out.

Screeching Halt

I apologize if you've been checking this space slavering for an update. It just hasn't happened in the last month. I can tell you why but it won't really make any difference. I have started working during the day time hours like a normal person. Generally that's not a huge problem but I'm still working in the evening time hours like a not-normal person. Furthermore, I've been picked up by a roving band of troubadours and they have forced me into actually practicing and rehearsing twice a week.

As if all that wasn't enough, we got cable a few weeks ago.

I think that pretty much sums it up. I will update when I find a time to do that kind of thing but it may be nothing more than a sentence or me bitching and complaining about how I need a foot rub.

Humble Folks Without Temptation

Because of my not having cable for the last five years, I've missed out on a lot. One of these things is the progression of South Park beyond about season 4. I remember seeing Timmay's debut and the advent of Butters. But once I moved to South Carolina, the only time I saw the show was on visits to see my parents. Even these had to be carried out in secret because of my parent's stringent religiousity. They actually had the cable company scramble MTV when we first got cable when I was in high school. To this day, Channel 35 comes in like a softcore porn station. You can just barely make out the excited ramblings of Carson Daly and Three Box Matches or whatever it is kids these days are listening to.

Anyway, as in all things, the internet has saved me. I give you South Park Videos. While not entirely comprehensive it definitely covers the bases. It even has the South Park Movie divied up into a 9 part mini-series.

I you haven't been disturbed by cartoon animals in a while I highly recommend the Woodland Critter Christmas episode.

Things I intend to talk about/do soon:

The sickness of western society.
My new band(!!!)
My newest internet find. (Note: not a porn site, sorry)
Update the Selected Media bar.

Opposite Day

Somedays this feels more like a repository for dumb internet videos than a fo' sho' blog but I can live with that. Everyone knows that retarded videos are the cold fusion that drives the internets. So here's this groovy site with videos gigawatts aplenty. I could try to explain it but it's actually much funnier if you don't see the punchline coming. We must bow our heads to Pork, who unconvered this treasure.







Jackhole Pick O' The Litter

Packed With Fiber

I started a new diet this week. If all goes well I'm going to put all my ideas into a book and sell it for ridiculous amounts of money to all the fat fucks out there that need a leg up on not being a fat fuck. I am calling it the, "Don't Eat So Goddamn Much Initiative." It is related, philosophically, to the "Put the Fucking Twinkie Down" diet. It came to me the other day in a fast food joint which remain nameless. I had ordered some manner of 'combo' meal. While waiting on the food people to finish my fries, a guy came up behind me and they took his order. The man was older than me, he was taller than me, and very likely outweighed. Then something weird happened. He ordered a small chili and a diet soda. That was all. It all came crashing down on me at once. The gravity of just how much we overeat because resturants make us think we need 2 cheeseburgers, a rowboat of fries, and a bucket of tasty beverage. So I figured even if I don't always eat things that are spectacularly good for me, I can ease the damage by eating less of it at least. I'll let you know how the "diet" goes.

Observations:

We have company coming over, and as Zero Hour nears all three of the cats have gone and taken extra smelly dumps in the litter box. They're just doing their part to make everyone feel welcome.

The Three Mothers

As "The Italian Job" taught us all, there are three 'mothers' you should never mess with (in no specific order): Mother Nature, Motherfucking Ukranians, and Mothers-in-law. The in-laws are coming over for dinner tommorrow night. We're busy buying the few last minute things for dinner and picking up the place (it had undergone a more strenous doucheing last weekend). All that's left is for me to make sure there's a stack of gay porn in the bathroom and the KY is strategically placed between the salt and pepper shakers.

Well, where do you keep it!?

Eating Is Hard To Do,

when half your fucking face is numb. Fucking dentist.

I suspect that when the bubble-gum flavored anesthesia* wears off. I'll be in horrible horrible pain because I've spent the last hour masticating the inside of my cheek in a way that is probably best described as zealous.

* - it should be noted that "Bubble Gum Flavored Anesthesia" will be the title of my fourth album.

Cereal Killa

Every so often my lovely bride and I endeavor to purchase breakfast food even though only on half of our union is awake during breakfast hours. Usually the breakfast food of choice is some manner of cold cereal. A lot of nutrtion can be packed into a bowl of various nuts, grains, and Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs™. Generally we opt for cereals of "Pebble" persuasion. While this is healthy in theory, in practice it is not so. The major failing is our propensity to aquire breakfast that tastes like cake. I will speak only for myself on this matter but I can assure you I am powerless, unmanned even, in the face of overwhelming deliciousity.

The long and the short of it is this: yesterday two boxes of our favorite Pebbly breakfast staple were aquired and by 11pm, one them was gone. By 'gone', I do not mean it slipped out an open door as I was taking out the trash. More like we declared Sunday evening to be celebrated as "Inhale Several Helpings of Cartoon Character Endorsed Food In Lieu of a Proper Dinner Day." Is it really so strange that we ended up together?

Also, this has incarcerated my mind. Thanks, again, to the aforementioned lovely bride.


-Kroy has gone offline

Bork Bork Bork

I have a new favorite show. It is called Robot Chicken. This should not be too surprising as a lot of the people who work on Family Guy also work on Robot Chicken. This is why is it my new favorite show:


and also this:


and of course:

Handle With Care

The following video clip is toxically adorable. Seriously, this is so cute it might just kill you. Please click responsibly.

Ma'am, Your Fetish is Showing

Just a warning, this post may not be safe for work. Though... I'm not sure, it might be. That's kind of what it's about. Also, this is, admittedly, my most fucked up post yet. You are warned.

This is something that I started thinking about roughly a month ago. It's be bugging me ever since.

I was browsing Google videos as I am wont to do on occasion. Now, I was looking for this guy. Stuart Hamm, a ridiculously talented bassist. Eventually I found what I was looking for but on the way I came across a few things that really shook me to my core. Ok, ready? Here you go.

Now, as you might have guessed, the way Google is indexed. One video leads into another and another. And yet another. And so on. Now if you dig a little deeper, which - by this point - I had no choice but to, you find a full website peddling these things, get this, for MONEY. WHAT THE FUCK?

So, apparently there's an entire (paying) subculture that is into these videos of (mostly) attractive people tickling each other. Now here's my question. Does this qualify as pornography? Dictionary dot com defines porno as:

1. Sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal.
2. The presentation or production of this material.

So... I'm assuming people don't pay 8 bucks over the internet for 10 minutes of video footage because they just like to watch cute girls get a good chuckle. So some folks out there are getting these vids so they can spend some time with the purple-headed custard chucker. So by definition it counts as pornography.

But...

The videos include no nudity, no sex, and no physical contact other than the tickling. Does it still count? This like life's greatest mystery. It keeps me up at night. I didn't say I had an answer. I just said it's bugging me. All I know for sure is that this world is one seriously fucked up place.


p.s. Just in case you were wondering. This is what you get when you Google "Euphemisms for Masturbation."

My New Name Is Wajimba Honkeh

It's good to be home. I'd like to thank you all for being so patient, and now that there's pretty much no chance of anyone reading this ever again I'd like to get back to posting.

I realize it's been a month since my last post but I just want you to know what's been going on. I decided to go on a last minute Aboriginal Walkabout. It was a time of great spiritual soul searching and redefinement. I would regale you with pictures and tales but I spent most of the trip high on exotic toads and a wallaby ate my camera. So... yeah. That's totally where I've been. But just know that now my posts will have much more substance and less fart jokes. Excepting in cases where fart jokes equal substance.

You Know What Time It Is

It's time for the Low-brow/High-brow links of the day. Where I hand out links that can appeal to everyone from the editor of the The New Yorker to the President of the United States.

High Brow Link of the Day: Jackson Pollack emulator.

Who's Jackson Pollack you say? Well lemme tell ya... you know what, maybe you should just check out link #2.

Low Brow Link of the Day: Hitler Cats!

Both links stolened from Her Dooceness. End Transmission.

Jackhole Concert Warp-up

OK, I would have posted sooner but my brain has been recompiling since the MC Frontalot concert a couple of weeks ago. Also, I'm a lazy piece of shit.

The concert was unconditionally superb. It was a bit of a haul from Detoilet to Kalamzoo but not something I wouldn't do again in a heart beat... on a work night... before a big presentation... on which rode a major promotion. This was the tour's last stop so the last chance, before PAX, to see the Front bust rhymes in living color. I've been listening to the Front for several years now. I was first enamored of him when I heard "Braggadogio" and the proverbial deal was cliched when I mine ears did hear "Yellow Lasers." Any rapper who can combine so many Star Wars cliches and golden showers is worthy of my praise. In thanks to the MC for such a stellar show we purchased a number of items and politely asked him to write his name on one such item, which he graciously obliged.

The concert is too far gone for me to remember the set in total but I can at least remember the show highlights: "Crime Spree" was most excellently rendered. The aforementioned "Braggadogio" was part of the all-too-short encore set. If my old man memory serves its function he opened with "Indier Than Thou". Definitely a high point in the evening was the Roll-A-Song in which the crowd cheered for their choice between two songs and the losing song had to make a Saving Throw. Very clever indeed. The bar itself was kindof a hole in the wall that appeared to be more accustomed to hard rock and hip hop acts. I'm sure they were all thrilled with the crowd that evening. Unfortunately the show was sparsely attended. I didn't do a full head count, but the fact that I could have gives you some idea as to how few people were there. It was on a Wednesday night and probably close to finals for a lot of the college students in town. Not that any of that is an excuse, if they really cared they'd have been there.

So in conclusion, I'm very much looking forward to seeing Front on his next concertizing endeavor. Next on the list is mc chris.

-Kroy has gone offline


me here talk good?

I'm wishing I could talk about this further with you but I can't...

Me = Going to see MC Frontalot tonight. You = Jealous. Concert wrap up report later.